Maladaptive "caring"
How our childhood survival tactics may not be serving us as adults
Do you want to know the truth? I have codependency issues. And honestly as I read (this book) I’m not so sure that we don’t all have some codependency issues.
It’s not the same as interdependence. We are designed to be interdependent; we need one another for survival, for health, for joy and connection. The goal isn’t to be solely independent or isolated (like a cancer cell) it’s to be un-dependent. Owning our own actions/behavior and the results that ensue. Creating safety and autonomy for ourselves and, essentially, learning to parent ourselves. It’s related to Internal Family Systems work (Richard Schwartz)—getting to know the younger versions of ourselves (“parts”) that have unmet needs. Because without examination and nurturing, our wounded “parts” are running the show. Not my grown ass self. :)
The behavior I notice myself doing is orbiting around other people. People with strong personalities, strong needs and who are often hyper-independent. At some point I learned to be hypervigiliant of other’s needs in order to create safety and connection for myself. (i.e. If I act a,b,c I get love and attachment. If I act x,y,z I get rejection, isolation or punishment.) None of us make it to adulthood without a buffet of conditioning. Learning to survive and adapt in our particular tribes is part of adolescence. But our adaptions don’t always serve us as adults.
I’m asking myself this question a lot lately: How did the role of the “good girl” serve me then and how might it be holding me back now?
These sneaky codependent behaviors definitely show up in my marriage. Maybe you can relate: Asking what time my partner needs to leave for his appointment (in order to make sure he leaves on time and has what he needs), reminding him to drink lots of water for a hike later that day, dropping what I’m doing to solve a problem he is irritated about (but not asking for help on). In essence, focusing on someone else’s behavior instead of my own.
It’s embarrassing to write this. I judge myself: What a nag. You’re so annoying. How pathetic. And at the same time I’m justifying my behavior that it is all “out of love”. It comes down to this: I’m standing in the way of the other person experiencing their own consequences and trying to control someone else’s behavior in order to solve my own problem/discomfort/anxiety. This seems roundabout. Why would I do this, then?
Because some part of me feels my “okay-ness” is tied up in other people’s “okay-ness”.
The urge to try and fix someone else’s problem or discomfort is like an itch I want to scratch. What has helped me the most is learning to regulate my own nervous system and signal safety to myself. Our brains communicate to the body (top down) and the body communicates to our brains (bottom up). Practices like breath-focused yoga, meditation and mindfulness training (Unwinding Anxiety App) have been the most helpful. When the urge to itch comes up, I’m learning to ride out the discomfort without acting on it.
Why do I write this revealing and perhaps embarrassing newsletter? Because at the end of the day I just want to be honest and helpful. With some luck, maybe we both feel a little less alone.
Remember that relationships (with ourselves and others) are messy. And that’s uncomfortable. But we can learn to regulate ourselves and have more choices in the way we show up and live.
May we all touch genuine peace, freedom and self-compassion.
Until next week,
Amanda Be
Resources:
Unwinding Anxiety App (created by Jud Brewer)